5 year old soccer

If you don't understand why going to soccer camp with your five year old stepbrother is a, to say the least, frustrating experience, let me break it down for you. Besides the normal five year old drama, this is what they display to there clueless parents, who (shockingly) reward this terrible performance.

Offense: (random toe poking in the goal's general direction)---When questioned,  "What are positions?" they say.

Defense: (very uncontrolled kicking at the ball with strong potential of missing and hitting persons in sensitive areas, tackles from behind, hand balls) -- When questioned, "I was just trying to get the ball," they say

Transition: (slow running not even toward the ball occasionally, much tripping and random kicking) -- When questioned, "Bwaaa... I ..want ....my..mommmmmmyyyyyyy." they cry uncontrollably.

Trash Talk: "That's cheating, goalies can't come off the line.  Cheater Cheater.  Yes, I scored (you were actually offside but that doesn't exist). Whaaaaa. Teacher, he's being mean."

5 year oldness: Cheating, not finishing the whole drill, not listening or following directions, randomly chasing you around, a lot of crying, and a lot of lying, and a heaping amount of yellow cards (which conveniently don't exist.)

Now please, tell me that not all soccer players start off this..well.... abstract.